Really?

When I first met my fiance, I was pretty sure that I did not want to have any more children. I was married for 24 years and have three adult children and 4 2/3 grandchildren. When I say pretty sure, I believe I said something like, "I'm done raising kids. I just want to play and travel and enjoy life." Having turned 42 on my last birthday, I was looking forward to the "rest of my life".

But what did that mean to me, "the rest of my life"? While I was raising my children, I was playing, traveling and enjoying life. I love my children and the many years of joy that we shared. I look back on the many memories of their 'firsts'. First steps, first words, first call from the sheriffs office at midnight. First boyfriends, first sleepover, graduation from high school and their weddings. I love and cherish each and every moment that I had with my girls, even the not so great moments.

Divorce brought my world crashing down after 24 years. I had been married since high school and we started raising kids right away. I was just six days shy of being 18 when my first daughter was born. We were SO young, ignorant and poor but it was a lot of fun growing up with my kids. As each of the kids got married and moved away, the marriage steadily crumbled. I moved out and was divorced a few months later.

Now what? I had never been alone and never been without children in my life.

I moved into a crappy little apartment and went back to school. I thought I would date for a while, hang out with friends and enjoy my single life. However, going back to school did not provide me with the proper dating material since most of these kids were their late teens and early twenties, the same age as my kids. I don't do the bar scene and stalking is not a preferred method of finding a mate, unless you are a lion. I decided to let my fingers do the walking and dive into the world of internet dating. Having not been in circulation since high school (does that count?), I was not sure what to expect. After a few dating nightmares, I met L. From day one, we hit it off. She had been married before but she didn't have any children. She said that she never really had the desire to have kids so I was alright with that. I was sure that I didn't want any more children so the fit seemed even better.

Almost two years later, we are getting married very soon and the topic of children has come up a few times. Not just children but life purpose. What are we doing here? What is our purpose? Are we here just to work, pay taxes and take a two week vacation every year?

So here we are, talking about having a child. Bring a life into the world.

Do I really want to do this again? How will I feel? How will this affect my relationship with my spouse? How will this affect my adult children and my relationship with them? Do I have the energy to raise a child from scratch again?

So many things to think about...